Sunday, February 8, 2009

What No Valerie?

What No Valerie?

I am an admitted addict to TV teen melodrama. From The OC to Dawson’s Creek. I love them all. But my favorite is the Granddaddy of them all… Beverly Hills 90210 (original recipe).

Now, the CW has rolled out 90210 2.0 a follow up to the 90’s classic with new kids and a few of the old favorites sprinkled in to try to draw in the old fans. So far both Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth) and Brenda Walsh (Shannon Doherty) have made return appearances to 90210 Extra Crispy edition. There has been much speculation over what other possible original cast members will be popping up on the new show. Word surfaced last week that Tori Spelling will be dragging her gigantic head and alien eyes out of retirement to reprise her role as Beverly Hills vestal virgin Donna Martin. And to this I say WTF!?!

Who is running this new show? They are missing out on the greatest TV free agent pick all time. Tiffani Amber Thiessen. TAT (that is my little pet name for Tiffani Amber Thiessen) brought the heat to the zip code. Let’s face it Brenda was an average bitch at best. What 90210 needed in season 5 was new life and the true foil Kelly had lacked the first four seasons. Brenda could not hold Kelly’s jock, oops I guess that analogy does not work her. But really if Brenda had any heat at all would she have let Kelly wrestle Dylan and the show away from her?

But when bad girl Valerie Malone (TAT) arrived on the scene, playing against type of her goodie two shoes days on Saved by the Bell it was pure magic. Finally Kelly had an antagonist to bring out her inner bitch. These two hellcats took the show to new heights even as the storylines got utterly ridiculous.

In no certain order the following storylines took place during the Valerie - Kelly era –
• Kelly joins a cult.
• Dylan, Kelly, David, Donna all got substance abuse problems (the writers really love to play the drug card).
• Dylan and Valerie travel is some foreign land to get his money and kidnap his sister.
• Kelly gets caught in a fire at a lesbian house party.
• Andrea cheats on her husband (really? There are two guys in southern California that don’t find her like nails on chalkboard?)
• Kelly gets shot in a drive by (she is a BH gangster?) at LAX, no less.
• Multiple guys actually date Gigantor Martin.
• Valarie hooks up with, Steve, David, Dylan, Noah, Brandon and the LA Dodgers.
• Cranium Maximus gets tossed by down a flight a stairs by Ray Priutt, but somehow does not hit her football helmet sized head.
• Super hot hottie Clair dates douche bag extraordinaire Steve Sanders for multiple seasons.

But why did we buy into this nuttiness? Three letters people… TAT! So I implore you 90210 producers, bring back Valerie Malone. I don’t care if you have to fire some of those anorexic High School Musical rejects to get her. They are obviously not using their new found wealth on food.

1 comment:

Grandma Shirley said...

I do not believe you are calling Tori Spelling names about the size of her head. I pointed that montrosity out to you years ago the very first time I saw her, and you whined, "Mom - are you crazy? Tori Spelling is absolutely beautiful!" I was so afraid you'd bring home a look-a-like for a wife!